


Shattered

by LightningSupernova



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, post 3x17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 12:19:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14284794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningSupernova/pseuds/LightningSupernova
Summary: She's a clone ... the twelfth in a row. Everything she had ever known was a lie. So how can anyone say they love her?





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first venture into AvaLance fanfiction. I have to admit that I haven't seen the last season of LoT yet. I live in Europe and we’re always a bit behind on the USA. But I manage to keep up through YouTube :)
> 
> This story is not Beta read and English isn't my native language (though it is marginally better than my Dutch, which is my native language. Dutch is very confusing!)
> 
> It’s placed directly behind 3x17.
> 
> There is mention of self harm in this story. So if that is a trigger for you, you might want to skip this one.
> 
> Happy reading!

_ I’m admitting something that could save us both … I love you ... _

 

The words keep rolling around in Ava’s head. Words she never expected Sara to say. Especially not now. 

 

Now that the truth was out. So she had replied the only way she knew how.

 

_ There is no me to love. _

 

And then she left. Not looking back at the woman behind her. A woman whose heart she surely broke.

 

But it was the truth now, wasn't it? She was one of thousands. A clone. All of her memories were faked. Hell, she wasn’t even the first one Rip did this to, she was the twelfth. Sure, he claimed she was special. He probably said the same thing to the 11 Avas who came before her. Part of her wondered if any of them had figured it out before they were … terminated. Before they died sounded to human.

 

Rip.

 

Ava never really trusted him. She had processed his resignation a few hours ago. At least she got that. He was never a good agent anyway.

 

While she was at the bureau, she heard that The Legends had succeeded in their mission. The plan to free and then defeat Mallus had worked. Ava hadn't supported it … it broke too many rules. But it worked and the timeline was safe once again. She snorted, no thanks to her. 

 

She turned in her own resignation right after. 

 

Ava went home then. To her small, lonely apartment. And it hit her again, how fake she really was. She had very little personal items there. Only a few photographs, reminders of fabricated memories. She threw them all in the trash.

 

Now she sat in her bathroom, on the cold hard floor in the semi-darkness. A nearly empty bottle of bourbon next to her and the remains of a broken glass. She stared at the blood on her hands. It started with a cut on her index finger, gotten from picking up a large shard of glass. Without hesitation, she had plunged the shard into her arm. 

 

She was bleeding, she felt the pain … Didn't that mean she was real? 

 

* * *

  
  


They had cause for celebration. Mallus was defeated, the team got away with some minor cuts and bruises Gideon could easily fix, and against all odds, The Legends managed to restore the timeline. 

 

So the mood was festive on board of the ship. Even Damien Darkh was being amicable. His fate was yet to be determined by the ship’s captain, but even Sara couldn't deny that his help had been crucial.

 

Music was playing and alcohol was flowing as the ship's crew celebrated their victory. 

 

Sara laughed, drank and danced with the others, yet her heart wasn't fully in it. She missed her, Ava, her Ava. Only the second person in her life she ever said she loved. 

 

“Captain. I’m receiving an incoming message from the Bureau.” Gideon’s voice broke through the music. 

 

Sara grimaced, what was it this time? Did they park the Waverider in a wrong spot or something? Or got a noise complaint? “Turn down the music and put them through, Gideon,” she told their AI and leaned back against the center console, her arms and ankles crossed. Several crewmates mumbled and dropped down into the various chairs.

 

The screen flickered to life. 

 

“Gary!” Sara called out when the man appeared. He looked nervous, but then again, Gary always did. “Captain Lance. First, congratulations with your victory. I knew you could do it! I told everyone I had the utmost faith in you!” Sara nodded with a grin. It felt a bit bitter though, as the person she most wanted to have faith in them, didn't.

 

Rip stepped up next to Sara. “I take it Director Sharpe pushed through my resignation?”

 

Gary grimaced, “Yeah … She didn't wait with that.” He was hesitant and Sara noticed he was avoiding her eyes. She arched an eyebrow. “Spill it Gary.” The man took a deep breath, closed his eyes and squeaked, “Director Sharpe quit!”

 

Sara gasped, “What?!” She pushed herself off the console and looked at Rip, who had the same expression of disbelief on his face. “That doesn't sound like Ava.” Rip sounded very worried. 

 

“I know!” Gary exclaimed in a high voice, throwing his hands up in the air. “Hence why I’m worried. She left a few hours ago without a word. I just thought she was retiring early for a change … But when I went into her office to drop of some paperwork I found her letter of resignation.” He buried his hands in his hair, putting them in disarray. “I tried calling her, but she’s not answering her phone.”

 

Sara had heard enough. “I’ll look into it, Gary.” She watched him nod and shut down the transmission. She turned to the console, “Gideon, find Ava’s location.”

 

“Director Sharpe is in her home.”

 

Sara turned to Rip and held out her hand, “Give me your time courier. I’m going there.” 

 

“I can’t give you that. I’m coming with you!”

 

Sara arched an eyebrow, “Really? Ava just found out you lied to her and she fired your ass. I think you’re the last person she’d want to see.” Rip sighed, knowing she had a point, and reached for his wrist, removing his time courier and handing it to the blonde. “This is only because I’m worried.” 

 

Taking the device, Sara put it on her own wrist. “Worried you’ll need to go back to 2213 to get yourself another one?” The comment was meant to hurt and she smirked when she saw Rip wince.

 

“I deserved that,” he said, his eyes downcast. “But believe it or not, I do care about her.” He had cared for them all, all twelve of them. And losing them one by one had hurt him deeply. And yeah, maybe using clones and wiping their memory wasn’t the smartest, most ethical thing to do, but it seemed like the best choice at the time. “And there won’t be another one. I swear.” He looked the Captain in the eyes and they stared at each other until Sara eventually nodded. 

 

Sara glanced at her crewmembers in the room, all of them silent and completely sober. They all liked Ava and Sara knew they would stand by her, clone or not. “Continue with the celebrations. You all deserve it. But I need to check up on Ava.” She gave them a smile and hit a few buttons on Rip’s time courier. A portal opened and Sara walked through, hearing Rory grunt, “Go get your girl,” with a salute of his beer.

 

* * *

 

Not wanting to intrude too much, Sara had aimed the portal on the entrance of Ava’s apartment building. She walked up to Ava’s door and knocked. Nothing. She knocked again. “Ava? It’s me.” Still there was no reaction. She used the time courier to contact Gideon. “Can you check Ava’s location again?”

 

“Director Sharpe is in her home.”

 

Sara frowned, “Thanks Gideon.” She knocked again, “Ava? I know you’re in there. Gary is worried about you ... Please, Ava.” 

 

She almost missed it. Almost dialed back to the Waverider. But then she heard it … a soft whimper … And it hit Sara like a punch in the stomach.

 

“Ava?!” She slammed her fist against the door, a hint of panic in her voice. When she didn’t get any reaction, she leaned back and slammed her shoulder against the door. The wood was no match for the ex-assassin’s power and shattered at the lock. Sara pushed it open. 

 

“Ava?” Sara called out into the darkness. She reached out for the lightswitch and turned it on, making her way further into the apartment. There was no sign of the tall blonde in the living room, nor in the kitchen. Sara peeked into the bedroom and was about to call out again when she heard another whimper. She followed it through a door and froze at the sight before her. 

 

It took a moment for Sara to get moving, the shock rooting her to the spot. Ava sat on the floor, her back against the bathtub, her knees pulled up to her chest. A quivering, bloody mess.

 

Sara crouched before her, “Ava?” She kept her voice soft and reached out slowly, taking one of Ava’s arms from around her knees. She glanced at the cuts and winced. She counted five slashes on that arm, some of them quite deep. But they had stopped bleeding, that was something. 

 

Ava took a shuddering breath and Sara looked up, right into red-rimmed blue eyes. “Sara? … W-what are you doing?” Ava’s voice was little more than a whisper and she looked confused. Sara cradled Ava’s cheek, biting back her own tears. “I came to check on you. I was worried.” 

 

“Why?” Ava asked. “I’m not real.” 

 

Sara sighed, bringing up her other hand to Ava’s jaw, holding her head between her hands and forcing the woman to keep looking at her. “Now, you listen to me. You might be created in a lab, but that is not who you are. You are brave, smart, beautiful … Just amazing! You are real to me … I see you!” Ava had stopped breathing, her eyes gaining focus. Sara tightened her grip, “And I love you! So fucking much.” Her voice was breaking as she poured every bit of emotion she had into it.

 

There was a shudder in Ava’s shoulders at the words and Sara saw the moment she broke. She pulled Ava into her arms as sobs raked her frame, allowing her own tears to fall. “I’ve got you. You’ll be ok. I love you.” She kept repeating the words over and over, while Ava clung to her. 

 

They sat there for a while, Ava finally letting it all out. By the time she calmed, Sara’s legs had gone stiff. She stood slowly, lifting up the other woman with her, letting Ava sit on the edge of the bathtub. She wiped at the tear tracks on Ava’s cheeks. “I’m sorry,” Ava’s voice was raw from crying. Sara grinned, “Don't be.” She looked at Ava’s arms. “You have a first aid kit here somewhere?” When Ava nodded and motioned to the sink, Sara went and retrieved it from the cupboard underneath. 

 

They fell silent as Sara started to disinfect the wounds, only Ava’s soft gasps of pain filled the room. Sara covered both her forearms with white bandages. “Some of these need stitches. We should really let Gideon take a look.”

 

“I don't know why I did that.” Ava had her eyes glued to the floor. Sara stepped closer, between her legs and pulled Ava’s head against her chest. She was relieved when she felt Ava’s arms encircle her waist. “It made you feel alive, didn't it? I can relate. You know, when I was brought back from the dead, I was a soulless creature. After I got my soul back it took quite some time for me to feel … real again. Sometimes I still don't.” 

 

Ava pulled her head back and looked up at Sara. That was something she had never told her before.

 

“Come on, let's get you onto the Waverider and let Gideon fix your arms.” Sara took a step back, “maybe find you some fresh clothes first.” The sleeves of Ava’s crisp white dress shirt were rolled up, but there were blood splatters all over it. Ava nodded and took a step forward. She was still trembling badly, so Sara reached out and let her support herself on her shoulders. They made their way to Ava’s bedroom, where Sara helped her sit on her bed. 

 

Sara moved to the closet and opened it, not surprised when it was completely filled with the blue suits from the Bureau. She glanced back at Ava and rolled her eyes. Ava shook her head, a small smile forming on her lips. She pointed at dresser next to it. 

 

Pulling out the first drawer, Sara grinned when she pulled out a light blue sweater. She held it out to Ava, who nodded in consent. Ava started to undo the buttons on her shirt, hissing when the movement pulled at the wounds on her arms. Sara was looking away, not wanting to overstep her boundaries, but the sounds made her glance up anyway.

 

“I could use a hand,” Ava said, “Besides, it's nothing you haven't seen before.” Sara got closer and helped Ava remove her shirt, trying very hard not to remember other, happier, times when she was in the same situation. She wasn't even flirting, not even a bit … and for a woman to who flirting came as naturally as breathing, that was saying something. 

 

Sara stepped back when they were done, looking at Ava in the blue sweater. Ava was gazing at the floor, her hair hanging in front of her like a curtain, absently rubbing her hands across the wounds on her arms. They still hurt and the pain grounded her, even if part of her mind noticed how fast they were healing. Enhanced healing abilities … well, she was created to be the perfect woman after all. 

 

Ava felt Sara’s fingers under her chin, lifting her eyes up to meet hers. “Come with me.” 

 

Sara opened a portal directly to the Waverider med bay, holding out her hand to Ava. The taller blonde stood and took Sara’s hand, glad to feel a bit steadier on her feet. They went through the portal. 

 

* * *

 

The med bay was empty and both women were relieved at that. Ava wasn't sure she could take more people right now. Sara led her to the chair and activated Gideon.

 

“Captain, Director Sharpe,” Gideon greeted them as they started to scan the woman in the chair. Ava sighed and laid her head back, closing her eyes. “It's just Ava, Gideon. I'm not the Director anymore.” 

 

“Copy that, Miss Sharpe. May I ask how you received your injuries?”

 

Sara intervened, “No, you may not. And this is to be kept out of the records.”

 

Gideon was silent for a moment, busy processing the unorthodox command. “Very well Captain.” They continued the procedure in silence.

 

“Where’s the rest of the crew, Gideon?” Sara asked. 

 

“Most of the crew have retired to their cabins, Captain. Only Mister Rory is still in the kitchen.” 

 

Sara nodded, glad to know they wouldn't be disturbed. Mick would probably stay in the kitchen until he drank himself to sleep.

 

“Are you positive you don’t want to work for the Bureau anymore? I’m sure Gary can still stop your letter from reaching the board.” Sara looked down at Ava, who still had her eyes closed. Her fingers where trailing random patterns on Ava’s hand, calming the taller blonde. Ava shook her head and looked up, “I feel I can't trust myself to make the right decisions.” She saw Sara open her mouth to argue and held up her hand to stop her. “Even if that's not true, the notion of doubt is enough to make me unfit as Director.”

 

Sara closed her mouth and nodded. “So … What are you going to do?” She had a hard time picturing Ava as anything but an agent.

 

Ava didn't have an answer. Working for The Time Bureau was all she'd ever known. All she ever did, really, since everything she remembered from before was fabricated. 

 

Sara bit her lower lip. “You could stay here. On the Waverider. Be a legend.” She spoke hesitant, wanting Ava by her side so much but being afraid of the answer. “I mean, you would be working under a very sexy boss.”

 

Ava snorted and lifted an eyebrow, “wouldn't that be against the rules? I mean, fraternising with my very sexy boss.” It felt good to see Sara joke around again and wanted to join in.

 

“Oh Ava … you know better than that. The Legends don't really follow rules.” Sara wiped a lock of hair from Ava’s forehead, relieved to see her smile. 

 

Ava chuckled, leaning her head back against the seat. “I’ll think about it.” Sara smiled at that.

 

Gideon’s voice broke through, “I have finished Captain. There should be minimal scarring.” 

 

“Thank you, Gideon.” Sara helped Ava sit up and pull up her sleeves, unwrapping the bandages from around her arms. The wounds were healed, only a small white line was left behind. Ava didn't mind. On the contrary, the imperfection would be something that set her apart from the other clones. She stood, still swaying slightly on her feet. “I think I need some sleep.”

 

Sara swallowed, “Stay, please … It doesn't have to mean anything. I just don't want you to be alone right now.”

 

It didn't take long for Ava to reply. “Ok.” Sara took her hand and led her through the hallways.

 

When they entered Sara's room, Ava’s eyes fell on the slip of paper on the desk. She picked it up with trembling fingers. 

 

_ This spot is reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance. _

 

“You kept it?” She asked, looking back over her shoulder as Sara closed the door behind them.

 

Sara smiled, “of course I did. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

 

“Does it still count?”

 

“If you want it to …” Sara was holding her breath and watched the emotions shift behind Ava’s eyes. She exhaled when Ava stepped closer and brought her hands up to cradle Sara's jaw. “I want it to,” Ava spoke soft, almost as a worship, and leaned down. She stopped just before her lips met Sara's, “I love you,” she whispered. Sara gasped as the taller blonde finally closed the gap.

 

The kiss quickly turned hungry, Ava pushing Sara down on her bed. Completely against her instincts, Sara broke the kiss. “Are you sure?” Ava placed a finger on Sara's lips, “make me feel again.” It sounded like a plea, one Sara was more than happy to fulfil. 

 

* * *

  
  


A few hours later, Ava lay on her side on the bed, Sara pressed against her back, one arm thrown over her side. The ex-assassin was sleeping sound, Ava was still staring into the darkness. 

 

Ava was not fine, far from. It would take time for her to move past this. Time to make new memories, as Sara told her. She reached down, entwined her fingers with Sara's and smiled as Sara nuzzled closer against her. 

 

They had started this whole - making new memories - thing in a good way. Ava actually looked forward to tomorrow.

  
  
  


Fin

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please feed the author!
> 
> Come find me on Tumblr.


End file.
